Funny Quotes
Some of these quotes were said by famous people. Others were said non famous people that I’ve never met.
It’s really kinda cool to just be really creative and create something really cool.
-Britney Spears
This is the life I always wanted to have. Maybe I’ll go to college someday, for that knowledge, but I definitely think making music always will be the most important thing in my life.
-Britney Spears
‘Hit me one more time’ doesn’t mean physically hit me! I think it’s kind of funny that people would actually think that’s what it meant.
-Britney Spears
Teletubbies is the opiate of the people.
-John Reiter
You’re as ugly as sin and as stupid as my foot!
-Elizabeth Bolles
On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
-Bruce Willis on the difference between men and women
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-Jack Nicholson
All the kung fu in the world isn’t any help when it comes to women.
-Jet li
In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
No doubt economy was hurt by 9-11
-George W. Bush
We don’t know if they’re hiding in caves with doors open or caves with doors closed.
-George W. Bush
You must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.
-George W. Bush
It gets into quota, go into numerical, set numbers for doctors or for, it could go into all kinds of things.
-George Bush
They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. So technically, if you kill a guy who’s scheduled to speak, you’re doing him a favor.
-Scott Adams
The future isn’t what it used to be.
-Gerrit Jeelof
Winter related injuries occur more often in the winter.
-newswoman for WHIZ-TV, Zanesvill Ohio
Where you present when your picture was taken?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Where you shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What is the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
-testimony from court records
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Witness: That’s the only kind I know of.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Did he kill you?
-testimony from court records
I love the dumb blonde image. Then I have nothing to live up to.
-Pamela Anderson Lee
What does an actor know about politics?
-President Ronald Reagan
Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands.
-Senator Jesse Helms
I’m going through eye exercise therapy, strengthening my eyes. I’m supposed to…like, rest them.
-Martha Stewart, on why she slept through an Al Gore speech
Your body is a temple. It is also your dance hall, your bowling alley, and your pizza parlor.
-Jonathan Katz
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-Dick Brandon
There’s a fine line between participation and mockery
-Scott Adams
I really didn’t foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer industry didn’t even foresee that the century was going to end.
-Douglas Adams
I have always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin
