carlos-m.net

Some of these quotes were said by famous people. Others were said non famous people that I’ve never met.

Teletubbies is the opiate of the people.
-John Reiter

On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
-Bruce Willis on the difference between men and women

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-Jack Nicholson

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

No doubt economy was hurt by 9-11
-George W. Bush

We don’t know if they’re hiding in caves with doors open or caves with doors closed.
-George W. Bush

You must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.
-George W. Bush

It gets into quota, go into numerical, set numbers for doctors or for, it could go into all kinds of things.
-George Bush

They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. So technically, if you kill a guy who’s scheduled to speak, you’re doing him a favor.
-Scott Adams

The future isn’t what it used to be.
-Gerrit Jeelof

Winter related injuries occur more often in the winter.
-newswoman for WHIZ-TV, Zanesvill Ohio

Where you present when your picture was taken?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Where you shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: What is the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
-testimony from court records

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Witness: That’s the only kind I know of.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-testimony from court records

Attorney: Did he kill you?
-testimony from court records

I love the dumb blonde image. Then I have nothing to live up to.
-Pamela Anderson Lee

What does an actor know about politics?
-President Ronald Reagan

Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands.
-Senator Jesse Helms

I’m going through eye exercise therapy, strengthening my eyes. I’m supposed to…like, rest them.
-Martha Stewart, on why she slept through an Al Gore speech

Your body is a temple. It is also your dance hall, your bowling alley, and your pizza parlor.
-Jonathan Katz

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-Dick Brandon

There’s a fine line between participation and mockery
-Scott Adams

I really didn’t foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course – the computer industry didn’t even foresee that the century was going to end.
-Douglas Adams

I have always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin